Tuesday, August 16

End of Summer Blues

Sadie, Mom, and Ben earlier this summer on a little fishing trip. It was what Sadie wanted for her birthday.

I'm not going to sugar coat anything: until about an hour ago I was completely dreading going back to school at the end of this week.
I've been reading all of my friend's thoughts on Facebook- everyone's reaching out to each other with "I can't wait to see you!"s. It will be amazing to see my girls after a few excruciating months without them, but I'm not feeling ready to cope with the less ideal parts of college after spending all summer in the comforts of home and laziness. When I think of college I find myself remembering late nights every night under a mountain of work and how cold those treks to class and dinner are during the school year. Being with my family after a year away has made me appreciate and miss them even more, and I'm just positively dreading not being able to see Truchi until November.

Truchi and I, the evening of our last visit for the summer.

I'm also nervous about my coming year. I'm sort of going through freshman year twice because I'll be in all new environment- new major, new teachers, new people. Last year I was so full of leftover angst and frustration from high school that I attacked my first year of college with fireworks of energy and eagerness but now I'm just feeling drained. I hope I can pull the same enthusiasm into this year and less magnetism for negativity and bad luck. I'm proud to have made a good impression on my teachers and classmates last year, but now I have to wonder if I can do it again. Thinking about all this makes me hiccup with worry.

But like I said, about an hour ago I had an epiphany. I was thinking about how freshman year was all about standing out at auditions, going to rehearsals or crew until ten at night, building up and repairing a reputation from scratch, and simply learning how to survive sanely in the giant college juggling act. But this year I don't have to worry about any of that stuff, not really. Those things were about 85% of my daily life, and I realized that means I now have 85% of my life to fill with...well, whatever I want.

That little schedule shift in my head made my whole body loosen and relax instantly. Finally things I imagined myself doing in college seem reachable, like working on my organization, which is hard to do when you barely have time to grab some lunch. Now who knows- I may have time to go to lectures, all those campus events I missed out on last year, and I'll actually be able to commit to a few clubs here and there! It sounds so simple and insignificant but I've always wanted to hold a leadership role in a school organization, and maybe this year I'll finally get that chance. In high school that was never an option because elections were just disguised popularity contests, but college is different, right?

Anyway, the point is I decided to stop being scared and to think outside my worried restraints, and now I'm feeling much more positively about the year.

Mom and Sadie baking in their pajamas and aprons.

But I'll still miss my mommy.

love, rudi

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